Top 5 Worst Movies of 2017

I didn’t see as many movies as I did last year mostly because everything seemed kind of shit and those are the movies you’re meant to watch to make a worst of list.

There was no way I was going to watch Transformers and support something that mostly seems to be product placement and explosions. So different  from the comics which could tell some great stories if they were made into movies. I didn’t see the last two in the cinema and I’m not going to see anymore until they completely reboot the whole thing and boot Michael Bay out. Then I’ll give it a chance but if a reboot doesn’t make it about the characters then I won’t be watching those either.

The same goes for the Emoji movie. I wasn’t supporting a cynical cash grab of what’s popular with the young people. The Lego movie was great and I liked Lego Batman but those movies have a lot to answer for in the trend they’ve set. The Angry Birds movie come to mind. Unless it’s getting great reviews about how surprisingly good it is, like the Lego movie, I’m not watching any movies based on games that don’t have a story or things you can find on your phone.

So onto the list, which is very short and not representative of what came out this year. Mostly this is just me griping about movies I hated because illness meant I didn’t do any blogging this year about movies (or anything really).

5) Justice League

I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would. I even enjoyed myself a bit which I have no doubt is down to Joss Whedon taking over the project. But I don’t want to attack Zack Snyder at the moment.

I liked the Flash and Wonder Woman and the action scenes weren’t terrible. But that’s about it.

Batman v Superman is a huge shadow over this movie and they tried to retcon away parts of it but they can’t get rid of the bad taste in my mouth. It almost made me laugh when Bruce decides they have to bring Superman back from the dead because he was such a beacon of hope to the world. What movies were they watching? I think they’ve got themselves confused with every other version of Superman apart from this one. I thought they didn’t want any hope or other positive emotions in there. Isn’t this the movie universe where Zack Snyder said Bruce Wayne would be raped if he went to prison. Everything has to be dark and gritty and awful. Superhero movies aren’t fun they’ve got to be grown up and realistic. Yep those two things go together so well.

Anyway back to Justice league. I was excited for Jason Momoa to be Aquaman but this made me not want to see the Aquaman movie. I don’t have any strong feelings towards it, I just don’t think I can be bothered. Maybe the Flash movie will be good as long as he’s not as much of a screw up as the TV version (I only watch the crossovers of the Arrowverse).

All I want is another Wonder Woman movie.  I don’t care what else we get as long as we get that. Although it better be done by Patty Jenkins or another female director because there were way too many ass shots of Wonder Woman in this movie. And an up-skirt shot while she’s fighting. I’m not impressed. At all. She’s pretty much the only good thing in this movie and you’re reducing her down to her body parts.

Other than that the most disappointing part of this whole debacle is that Ben Affleck never got to be a good Batman and he looks so sad. I was actually looking forward to his version of Batman and he wasn’t bad in Batman v Superman. I liked his version of Bruce Wayne, especially when he was talking to Alfred.

But this version of Batman doesn’t fit with this retconned version of events. They’re trying to make it lighter, funnier (more MCU like) and while I find it funny when he’s lying on the floor in pain after Superman asks if he bleeds, it’s becoming satire. I’d love a parody movie making fun of superheroes but this is meant to be DC’s version of the Avengers. So it should be fun not making fun of itself. As I watched it the whole time I was painfully aware of what had come before.

The only good thing if this whole universe gets rebooted is that hopefully we’ll get a different Superman. And I don’t just mean how the character acts. I want a different actor because Henry Cavill was fine, I guess, when he was broody but trying to be normal Superman shows he’s not a very good actor.

So Justice League is a terrible mess of a movie but because it’s a bit fun it’s not as bad as Batman v Superman or Suicide Squad. That’s barely a good thing.

 

4) Flatliners

There’s not to much to say about this movie or at least not as much to say about it as Justice League or some of the other movies on this list.

I thought this would have something interesting to say about the afterlife and being human but I’m not sure there was anything to take away from it. Other than you shouldn’t stop your heart even in a hospital because it’s dangerous. I haven’t seen the original movie and I doubt I ever will.

It turned into a horror movie at the end which I was not expecting. The only good thing about that was my Dad hates horror movies and he had bruised ribs so every time something made him jump he was in pain. So I’d start laughing which would make him laugh and his ribs would hurt more. I’d feel bad at being a bad audience member if I thought anyone in there was invested in the movie. It was so boring.

 

3)Annabelle Creation

I liked The Conjuring and I was looking forward to all the sequels but not anymore.

The first Annabelle was terrible in so many ways. It was a huge let down but I still had hope for The Conjuring sequel because that’s a completely different director. Then the sequel happened and I liked it but I guess my expectations were too high because I felt disappointed. So I thought this was going to be bad and I was right.

I was bored and it left so little impact on me that I forgot I watched it until I saw another worst movie of the year list. Then I remembered my disappointment at this series. I look forward to the Insidious movies more than the next Conjuring movie and I didn’t think I’d ever say that. (I’m not saying the Insidious movies are bad. I enjoy them especially now that it’s all about Elise.)

 

2) Alien: Covenant

Alien is one of my favourite movies ever and so is Aliens. So do I need to explain why I hate Covenant so much? I will anyway because ranting feels good.

The most glaring error I can see with this movie is that none of the characters are memorable. They’re all meant to be couples (I think) but I have no idea who’s meant to be with who. The only way you can get to know the cast is if you watch the YouTube videos that they cut out of the movie. I’m not watching them, I’ve wasted enough of my time on this movie.

So I have no reason to care about the characters which means it’s very unlikely that it could ever move me in any way but there was still potential for an entertaining horror movie. After all I enjoyed Prometheus. It wasn’t good but it was entertaining at least. I watch loads of horror movies that have unlikable characters and they entertain me. Unfortunately this isn’t scary and it’s not entertaining.

It had potential to be a movie I could like. The trailers got me. Humans landing on an alien planet, exploring and then realising the massive amounts of danger they’re in. That is one of my favourite things.

It’s how this movie starts and I can even ignore the characters taking off their helmets even though they know nothing about the planet other than it has breathable air. Nobody’s worried about disease or viruses. Fine. I’ve adjusted my expectations to normal science fiction horror levels. Then David from Prometheus shows up and it stops being a horror movie. All tension goes out the window and I stop caring. The flute scene happens and I’m waiting until I can leave. It’s so boring.

I hate this middle ground of bringing back characters from Prometheus. I didn’t like Shaw but at least she had personality. I was kind of interested in her search for why the engineers created humans and then tried to kill them.

The main character we’re meant to root for this time has no personality. She’s just a cheap Ripley clone. I’m tired of writers thinking they can just make their main character female and that suddenly makes them interesting. There are strong female characters everywhere. What I mean when I say that phrase is that I want complex female characters. We need complex characters male or female and that is exactly the opposite of what we get here.

The worst part is that this is a beautiful movie and could have been so much more. Unfortunately it’s all surface. There’s nothing deeper even if they’re trying to pretend there is by that opening scene where David talks to his creator. They should have cut that instead of the character stuff with the cast.

 

1)The Greatest Showman

This movie feels like an insult. They take a conman who exploited disabled people for money and make him the hero.

What makes it worse is that they made it in 2017. The year of Trump and Nazis and things just generally getting worse for marginalised people. They make the bad guy the hero because he’s a straight, white, able bodied, neurotypical, cis-man.

Regardless of everything else I was already tired of this type of movie. The ‘freaks’ can’t be the hero of their own story they need the handsome guy to do it for them. I wouldn’t have as big a problem with this movie if one of the marginalised people were the main character and Hugh Jackman was just helping them.

It gets worse because they add Zac Effron to it. I’ve got no problem with him as an actor but he’s just another straight, white, able bodied, neurotypical, cis-man taking away from the types of characters we rarely see. I see his type in movies everywhere. It’s boring.

And having one swanc-man handing his legacy over to another swanc-man just pisses me off. (swanc is straight, white, able bodied, neurotypical, cis-man but I can’t be bothered to keep typing it and I have a feeling it’s going to be a theme of next year too.)

I knew it was going to be bad just from the trailer. Having a song about empowerment play over Hugh Jackman setting up his ‘freak show’ made me roll my eyes. It wasn’t until I saw reviews and I realised this was based on a real guy who exploited disabled people for the amusement of the ‘normals’. That’s when my feelings towards this movie turned to hatred.

I know this isn’t a clear cut issue because some of the people back then who were exploited have a different opinion of their place in history. And I think their opinions matter more because they know their own experience.

If this movie acknowledged the harm that was done and not been so completely positive in favour of this conman then I might have been able to enjoy it a bit. As it is the musical numbers are no where near good enough to distract me from how it completely rewrites history in favour of an abusive man. In 2017 this is offensive.

 

Next I’m going to post my favourite movies of 2017 because I need to balance out the depressing with the positive.

 

Top 10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2016

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

10) Fantastic Beasts and where to find them

I love Harry Potter. These books were my childhood and I loved the movies but this feels like a cash in. Franchises are in at the moment and who ever owns the movie rights to Harry Potter has realised there’s lots more money to make here.

I have some hope because Rowling’s involved so it should be decent, but I don’t like Eddie Redmayne that much. I think he’s way over rated. Although I kind of liked him in Jupiter Ascending because his performance was so over the top and entertaining.

I want to like this so much and I just want more Harry Potter. There are so many stories to tell in that world and I’m disappointed that we are getting another lead who’s the typical lead for pretty much all Hollywood movies.

 

Batman v Superman

9)Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

This is another movie that I really want to like but I have a feeling that I won’t.

Mostly that’s down to Zac Snyder directing and the choices he makes. Like hiring an inexperienced actress to play Wonder Woman based on what she looks like rather than talent. I’ve got nothing against Gal Gadot, she’s an actress and this is her job, and I don’t like all the body shaming that went on when she was hired. I think the criticism should be on the choices Zak Snyder is making. Wonder woman is an icon and one of the most well known female super heroes ever. They should have got an actress who was really experienced to play her. Like they got Ben Affleck to play Batman. Instead they get a woman who’s not done a lot of acting and you know they hired her because she’s hot or pretty or sexy or what ever. When that shouldn’t be the basis for hiring the actress to play wonder woman.

And if they hadn’t made other sexist choices I probably wouldn’t be as sure about that but we still haven’t gotten a female led super hero movie where someone actually puts effort in to make a good movie. And that’s a criticism levelled at marvel as well.

But this is meant to be why I’m excited for this movie. Well all of the above is why this isn’t higher on my list. And this is only the second movie in the DC cinematic universe so they don’t have my trust yet.

What I’m excited for is Batman v Superman. I’m sceptical about how much I’ll like the movie but even the trailers are getting me excited. With Batman promising to make Superman bleed, and Superman destroying the bat-mobile just by letting it crash into him.

I’m hoping that even if I hate the overall movie there will be lots of awesome moments that I can get excited about. It doesn’t matter how many times I explain this movie to my dad, he still doesn’t believe Batman can fight Superman.

 

Suicide Squad

8)Suicide Squad

This is higher up my list than Batman v Superman because it’s not Zac Snyder directing but we still get Batman and the Joker. Add to that Harley Quinn and Will Smith playing one of them (I don’t know the DC universe that well). This looks exactly like my sort of movie. I’ve bought some of the comics so I’ve got a lot of reading to do.

 

Finding Dory

7)Finding Dory

I hope this won’t be one of those occasions where Dory was a good side character but only tolerable in small doses. A lot of people felt that way about Minions and while I liked the movie I get where they’re coming from.

I liked Finding Nemo but I don’t love it the way other people seem to and I’m pining all my hopes for this movie on one character. I love Ellen, and Pixar doesn’t usually make bad movies as long as you don’t count Cars.

 

Star Wars: Rogue One

6)Star Wars: Rogue One

After seeing The Force Awakens I’m fully on board with Star Wars in a way that I wasn’t before. Now I’m invested in these movies being good.

They’ve finally got characters I can relate to and care about. I don’t know all the details and things that happened in the other movies because I can’t remember and rewatching them isn’t a priority. But even I understand what stealing the Death Star plans means to the Star Wars universe.

I hope that some of the anthology movies explore different parts of the universe and get away from this one part.

There must be so many stories you could tell. I know they’ve decided to make all the books not canon anymore (as if it matters what they say, I’ve got my own head canon for most things I watch and get all fannish about so really that seems like a giant waste of time trying to dictate to me what is and isn’t canon) but there’s got to be some good stories in all those books.

I’m not that interested in a Han Solo movie, that’s exactly what we need, keep the Star Wars universe small and go back to it being about white straight cis gendered able bodied men. That list has a lot of adjectives they should choose to change at least one in their main characters.

 

Ghostbusters

5)Ghostbusters

A sci-fi movie with all female leads who are also really funny. I don’t know how they can screw this up to make me not like it.

All I can say is, it’s about time. About time that women were recognised as a legitimate part of the audience who have money they can spend. About time that a female lead is surrounded by other women and not just men. About time that all the whiny idiots get ignored and people realise that, like when women go see movies about men and can relate on some level to them because we are all human, so to can men go see movies about women and relate because women are also human.

All the controversy surrounding this movie is ridiculous and irrational but then no one ever said misogynists were rational.

The first Ghostbusters movie isn’t being taken away. You can still see it. And don’t worry the amount of male leads in the movies is still far ahead of the number of female leads. Just look at this list. I’d say most of them have male leads.

Although Finding Dory has Dory replacing Nemo so maybe they’ve got a point. Don’t worry though it’ll still be a few more years before we’ve replaced all the male parts with female ones.

 

Captain America: Civil War

4)Civil War

The last Captain America movie was so good and I want to like this one so much but the civil war story line in the comics was terrible. It was all over the place and inconsistent between different books. It was also when I stopped reading comics for a while.

I have mixed feelings about this because it can’t be the same story line as in the comics. None of them have secret identities so they’ve got to frame the issue a different way.

Also in the comics it was Iron man who was meant to be right. The pro registration side was the right side and cap was on the wrong side. But due to crappy management of the entire thing it didn’t across that way.

So it worries me that they’ve got the civil war story line in a Captain America movie. I’m not much of a fan of Steve Rogers. I hated Captain America: the first avenger and I didn’t much like him in Avengers Assemble either. He grew on me a little bit in the Winter Soldier. But now they’re pitting him against Tony Stark who’s one of my favourite super heroes and I don’t want to watch a movie where they make him the villain. He won’t be the main villain but he could be one of the bad guys.
Despite all that I love the marvel cinematic universe and I want to see what they’re going to do with it. I trust them enough to be fair to all the characters (unless it’s a female character then you’re screwed). And after seeing the trailer where Steve and Bucky fight Tony and Tony cradles a broken Rhodey I’ve got to admit I’m getting excited.

The directors are the same guys who did Winter Soldier and who are going to be doing Avengers: Infinity Wars part 1 and 2. So I have a lot invested in liking this movie.

 

The Conjuring 2

3)The conjuring 2

The first one was so good. A horror movie where I actually care about the characters shouldn’t be something different and new but so many horror movies have awful characters and I can’t wait for them to die. So there’s no tension and it just becomes a guessing game of who’s going to get it first.

The Conjuring actually had characters I liked and where as most horror movie franchises seem to be based on the villains (Freddie kruger, Jason, Michael Myers) these are based around the Warrens who are the heroes.

It’s a good basis for a franchise and I can’t think of any other horror movies that have done this. There’s scream but Sidney doesn’t go out looking for serial killers to fight. They find her.

Anabelle was a huge disappointment and a giant step back for the franchise but there were so many people in the cinema when I went to see it and that’s unusual for a horror movie.

 

X-men: Apocalypse

2)X-men: Apocalypse

Days of future past is one of the best super hero movies ever so I’ve got really high expectations, especially with Bryan Singer back as the Director. Jennifer Lawrence is back as Mystique and it’s Hugh Jackman’s last time as wolverine in an X-men movie.

I’m so excited for the apocalypse story line. X-men was what got me into comics. I used to watch the cartoon and then one day I saw an X-men comic in amongst the magazines. I didn’t buy them consistently until I was older and had a part time job but I was always on the lookout for X-men stuff.

Apocalypse is such a good villain and so far Bryan Singer hasn’t made a bad X-men movie for some inexplicable reason, despite making some really bad movies.

 

Deadpool

1)Deadpool

He’s one of my favourite super heroes and I didn’t think we’d ever get a movie about him because it’s Deadpool. He’s violent and a lot of what he says isn’t for kids so to get a good Deadpool movie you need it to be more adult and that cuts out all the kids they want to make money out of.

Blade is the only adult super hero movie I can think of and it’s a bit old now. So this will be refreshing to have a different sort of super hero movie for a change because I doubt the rest of them will be anything unique.

The director has also confirmed that Deadpool is pansexual so this will be the first super hero movie with a queer main character. At all. I’m not just talking about being the main title hero. I can’t think of any queer character in any super hero movies. Or science fiction movies. Or fantasy movies (I’m going to do some research. There’s got to be one). So it’s kind of a big deal.

Of course he’s got a girlfriend in the trailer so I don’t know how much he’ll be expressing his sexuality. I doubt we’ll get much, if anything that will make it impossible for other people to deny it. That’s how I judge representation now. If it’s only implied and can be denied by some bigot then it’s not good enough. We’re in 2016 it’s time to stop pandering to the bigots.

The only thing that’s making me apprehensive is if his sexuality is a joke. Because that seems to be the only time when sexuality, other than heterosexuality, is allowed to be expressed. To make the male straight audience uncomfortable and so they laugh.

Can this movie not be homophobic? Or biphobic? Or panphobic? It’s really not a lot to ask.

I’d like to come out the other side of this movie not feeling like shit. It can be a bad movie (I’ll probably still enjoy it) but can it not be homophobic. They’ve got my hopes up by actually being aware that other sexualities exist beyond straight. I so want to like this movie.

They’ve got the marketing for this movie so right. They obviously understand Deadpool in a way that the creators of X-men Origins: Wolverine didn’t.

Review: Insidious Chapter 3

Story:

Quinn’s trying to communicate with her dead mother and goes to a psychic Elise who is trying to stay away from the whole contacting the dead thing because it’s dangerous. Elise tells her not to make contact because when you talk to one of the dead all of them can hear you. Predictably she doesn’t listen and bad things start happening.

Review:

This is the third movie in the series and usually by this point in a series (horror movies in particular) the movies are terrible. It’s just a giant cash in and not much thought or effort goes in to making the movie it’s own unique thing.
Insidious Chapter three manages to escape that trend by being a prequel and showing the events leading to the first movie.
Before I saw this one I always got Insidious and Sinister mixed up. Both have one word titles that mean something bad and they were both pretty forgettable. Now I know which one is which because of Elise. The second Insidious was bad and even more forgettable than the first one.
Insidious Chapter three may not have the best story, I think it falls apart a bit at the end, but it’s a good horror movie. It’s much scarier than the first or second containing not just jump scares but terrifying moments with great tension.
A lot of these moments happen when Quinn is injured and confined to her bed. She’s unable to escape and has to wait for what this ghost, that you can see is in the room, is going to do next. They do the smart thing and keep the ghost out of sight for most of the movie. We mostly just see the ghost’s feet as she ends up on the floor a lot. When we do see the ghost clearly it’s still quite creepy and doesn’t diminish it as much as seeing other monsters usually do.
This time when they enter the further (it’s like the after life or where you go when you’re dreaming, it’s not clear exactly) it’s not as bad as the first movie where it stopped being scary. That’s probably because it’s Elise entering this time.
This is more Elise’s story and Quinn gets forgotten by the end of the movie. They should have just had her be the main character from the beginning. Her struggle to overcome her fears of what will happen if she’s goes back to the ghost hunting business are compelling. And while Quinn’s struggle with the death of her mother and letting go may be equally compelling she’s not in the other two movies.
By the end Quinn is relegated to damsel in distress and the only saving grace is that it’s a woman who’s doing the rescuing. She’s surrounded by a lot of men but she’s the one in charge.
Having the main character be injured for the majority of the movie and unable to move isn’t something we see a lot. It adds to the terror because she can’t get away even if she wants to.
The ghost is unseen until the end. There are a lot of shots of his feet and him being in darkness. Even when you do see him clearly he remains scary.
I hope they continue on from this movie for the next one, if they’re doing a next one, so we get to see more Elise and how they started their company.

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